I’m sitting here, knowing that I have to write this, for myself more than anything but at the same time not really knowing what to write. So, here goes…
What do I know about infertility. Both everything and nothing; it’s such a complex, heartbreaking and distressing beast that it’s tough to even articulate. Even the word is confusing; infertility. Infertile. It’s definition is so utterly permanent but the condition (that sounds like such a crap word for it) isn’t always permanent at all.
So as I sit here, 5 months pregnant, with this guy looking like he’s going to stay around, I often reflect on our two years of infertility. It was undoubtably the worst time in my life. Some might say that on that basis I haven’t had a very tough life but whatever; you don’t really know it until you’ve lived it and when you’re living it you’ll do anything to help get through it. On that basis, I thought I’d share our story, because I found that it wasn’t always easy to talk to people I knew and I found solace in reading about what other people were going through and how they were handling things. So if I can help just one person, then it’s worth it.
So, let me start by telling you what I know, which isn’t much and then I’ll tell you our story and how I managed (or didn’t) to plough on.
4 facts that aren’t really facts at all:
- It’s different for everyone and that’s ok. Some people have been trying for a baby for ages and are super chilled. It’s gets to some people straight away and that’s ‘normal’ too – it’s your journey so don’t feel like feeling some way or another is right or wrong
- It can be shit. Cripplingly so. I’m acutely aware that I’m essentially going against what I’ve just said but I can only tell you what I know and I’m willing to bet (whilst hoping I’m wrong) that for everyone going through it, it becomes tough so don’t feel like you’re being dramatic and don’t feel that you have to pretend it isn’t tough
- It can be all consuming, it’s the first think you think of when you wake and the last thing you think of when you go to sleep. Everyone around you seems pregnant and you feel that it will never happen for you. If that’s how you feel then please know that’s normal and if you feel like you need to take yourself off and protect yourself from events or experiences that might make you feel worse then that’s ok – do what you need to do, don’t feel bad and don’t worry about what others think
- It’s utterly unfair. There isn’t a lot to say on that one apart from it’s shit and it’s like a bloody lottery. All of the stats seem like bullshit because Brenda from accounts got pregnant after 6 minutes and she’s 45. It’s tough to say but ultimately it is shit and unfair and there’s no pattern or logic to it
- And because I thought of it, a fifth. It’s tough to understand if you’re not in it. People can seem insensitive, some are. But it you’ve not been in the club that no one wants to be in then you aren’t aware of the pain and upset that people are going through, even if they are slapping on a smile and that’s not your fault or theirs
So that’s basically all I know. Next time, I’ll tell you a bit about us.